Bomb Sniffing Dogs, Screaming Coworkers, And Power Windows That Lacerate: My Weeklong Adventure In NY With A Monster Truck

Where have I been for the past month? Why no posts? I know all 12 of the people who habitually read this blog have probably been concerned (thanks) that I blew away with Irene or something. Actually, that stupid preparing your car for a hurricane article was my most popular ever. But to the point- the reality was that I was busy working, plain and simple, on a massive project that consumed all of my time for weeks. I barely posted to Twitter or Facebook, or anything for that matter.

Last week was a killer for me at work; I knew it was going to be long days, hauling a lot of gear and people, and driving between Manhattan, NJ and Long Island. Knowing what was coming, I parked my car for the week, and went to Enterprise to rent the biggest damn car they had, a Ford Expedition EL. I usually prefer the Chevy Suburban for trips like this, but since it was such short notice, I had to go with the Ford. It worked well, as I found out the Expedition EL is actually just a Ford Excursion, Which the Blue Oval rebadged after discontinuing it a few years ago. The guy on the phone tried giving some excuse about how they can’t reserve specific cars, blah blah blah, to which I replied that the only reason I rent from them is because I can. I also let him know I would drop this $1K week long rental on another supplier if he couldn’t do it. This was a toalt bluff, because no one in town had anything bigger than a Jeep Liberty. But it worked.

I picked a hell of a week to drive a giant black SUV with tinted out windows into the City. It was UN Week, so entering any hotel parking garage usually required a wait of at least 10 minutes, a sweep from bomb sniffing dogs, and generally suspicious looks from people in suits with earpieces. On one occasion I just barely escaped the Sheraton in midtown as they let me e the last car to leave before they put the garage on total lockdown. I was although able to blend into motorcades, so that made ripping through traffic a bit easier, but no less dangerous. And ripping through traffic, that was fun. This thing had a monster 5.4L V8 with adequate torque for quick maneuvers. I wouldn’t be attempting drag race it anytime soon, but on a few occasions, I did make my co-worker/co-pilot quite nervous as we stepped on the gas for short bursts to advance through gridlock traffic. You see, my passenger was quite nervous driving in the city, and doesn’t really understand that you have to be slightly more aggressive than when encountering everyday traffic, especially when your truck is much larger. As he buried his head in his hands, closed his eyes and cried out for Jesus, I pointed out to him that we never really actually went more than about 18 MPH on any given sprint. For some reason this didn’t really comfort him. Anyway, I missed those pedestrian by at least 6 inches.

But you wanna talk about comfort? Oh the air conditioned seats…I have never tried them before, but now I think they will be standard equipment on whatever I end up buying next. But I Digress.
But you know what’s not comforting? Its how much of a douchebag I turned into when driving something this big. I think we all know that assholes lean toward large cars - H2’s, Escalades and Pathfinder Armadas are the fleet of those trying to compensate for something. This EL was a massive 18.5 feet long and weighed close to three tons. By the fourth day, I started to realize that I had turned into an overly aggressive driver. Driving and parking this truck was the equivalent of sailing a yacht through midtown.
How aggressive of a driver was I in this car? I’ll put it this way: on multiple occasions, cabbies backed down from me. I think that when you drive something this big, with full rental car insurance in a high stress situation when you have to stick to a schedule, its hard not to throw your weight around the road to get where you’re going. I felt kind of dirty driving like that, and this is while I’ll stick to my sport sedans, which allow me to be more courteous.

So now for the adventures: This thing is a bitch to park. No parking garage even wanted to attempt to place this thing in their lot. And the only one I could find made me park it for them. On three occasions, I got a few hundred yards into a parking garage only to be turned away- with no where to make a U-turn.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to back out something this big in a parking garage? It isn’t easy. Luckily though, the trucks saving grace was the standard rear view camera and backup sensors that made this whole trip possible with a lot less injuries and / or property damage. But, when you have this much torque on a rear wheel drive car, with no weight in the rear in a wet parking garage, the ass is going to kick out, and its going to be a lot of fun.
But the truck wasn’t without its injuries. While one of my other coworkers was travelling with me to an early morning meeting, the passenger side power window tried taking off his arm. It was gruesome. Blood everywhere, and at the end of the day, enterprise charged me a $250 cleaning fee for the mess. This didn’t really happen, but the window did get some forearm while going down, resulting in minor injury. Luckily my co-worker was able to man-up and walk it off, and the emergency room was averted so we could make it to our meeting.

There is one place his truck really excels, and which is why I rented it in the first place, and that’s hauling tons of crap. I had about eight massive Pelican cases full of fragile gear, many boxes, and enough photo equipment to satisfy a red carpet. And everything fit. I didn’t even have to take out any seats, they just folded down all the way. Hell, the back seats even had switches that power-folded the seats. Classy.
Of course there were some things I didn’t like about the car. It came with the basic Sync system, which puzzled me. I like to consider myself pretty tech savvy, but I couldn’t get this thing to perform any feature other than FM radio and play from the Aux port. On one occasion, I tried to pair my phone, which stuck the system in an infinite Bluetooth loop for about 30 minutes, from which I couldn’t free it. As for the rest of the controls, I wasn’t the biggest fan - not because they were badly placed, it was just because they weren’t where I wanted them to be after being familiar with other vehicles. And the final gripe is that thing was a gas guzzler. But really, you don’t buy this thing if you plan to go hyper-miling anytime soon.

So would I do it again? Absolutely. The Ford performed just as well as the Suburban and the fan favorite Tahoe with few nice touches. I look forward to the next time I get to rent a monster truck for the week.

Commuting this week is going to suck.

So, thinking about driving into the city this week? You should probably think twice.

The traffic is only beginning to start. This morning I got on the northern state, and the sign says "Delays to exit 17". That's delays to Goddamn Queens. The signs should just say "Nassau County - delays." Perhaps you can find the best route by using one of those nifty signs that tell you travel times? Good luck with that, as they have all been knocked out of commission since Irene, and sit there with blank displays. Even the level traffic indicator on the GWB hasn't worked in Months, but i guess that's your tolls at work.

First, the Port Authority decided to raise tolls. Again. Now crossing rivers at PA bridges and tunnels is going to cost you 12 bucks in cash, or $9.50 with an EZ pass. Driving a truck? That’s 13 bucks. Per axle. Be prepared for extra long waiting lines at the cash lanes as confused people dig in their cup holders for enough coins to cough up the extra dough. Additionally, those pricks always stay in the EZ pass lane until the last second and then hop over, causing traffic.

Finally, the UN in is town. This means total and complete gridlock across the entire island of Manhattan. Going anywhere from 6th ave to the East River, downtown through the 40's? You should probably walk it, as you'll get there faster. Expect random street closures as dignitaries and the President are in session, and also a tour is expected of the Ground Zero site at some point as well. All those dignitaries have to stay somewhere too, so expect more closures in the AM and afternoon as they leave their hotels. So if you see a convoy of black SUV's coming your way, expect to see a street closure in your future.

Told ya it was gonna suck. Good luck.

Hope you enjoyed yesterdays commute.

I hope you enjoyed yesterdays commute. Because until the next holiday pops up, Wednesday will be the last traffic free day for a long, long time.

You see, Today is Thursday Sept 1st. This means a few things. First, it's the Thursday before Labor Day. While it wont be as bad as tomorrows rush, but a lot of people take off Friday, and leave on Thursday afternoon. So good luck battling the weekend travelers on your way home. Secondly, its back to school time. I don't know what magic traffic switch is flipped at this time, but September is typically the worst month for traffic in the entire Northeast, rivaled only by January.

So I hope you enjoyed this all-too-short traffic holiday. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but its better to hear it first than be surprised.

Afterthoughts on Irene

Afterthoughts on Irene
Years from now, we will be telling our kids about that one week in August when we survived the great earthquake of oh-eleven and a hurricane in the same week.
But we really dodged a bullet this week, and a lot of people take this fact for granted. I was lucky. The storm hit us dead center on the south shore of Long Island. There were some downed trees and power outages, but nothing serious. I wish I could say the same for everyone. A lot of people had massive tree and auto damage, and some people even got hurt. People will be without power for days, and for some people it’s going to take weeks for them to drain their basements.
I hear a lot of people saying that it was all hype. They are angry at the media for making such a big deal out of it, a storm that wound up being not as serious as they made it out to be. That’s like being mad at someone because they suggested you move off of the railroad tracks, because a train would probably be coming soon. This storm could have been, and was supposed to be a lot worse. The extra time spent preparing is a gamble, but its one where the odds of winning are much better, and the stakes are so much higher.
NY’ers are an easily jaded people, and I’m afraid that’s what is going to happen now. The next time a hurricane warning comes along, people are going to take it with a grain of salt, and probably not take proper precautions.
For now, mass transit is slowly coming back on line. Many, many roads are still closed, and of course jumped the normal 25 cents a gallon. Westchester’s traffic report is a sea of exclamation points for incidents and closed roads, and New Jersey is still going to have to deal with massive flooding.

Also, a thanks to the readers. The article on “how to prepare your car for a hurricane was the most viewed article ever on the site. Hopefully I don’t have to write a similar article anytime soon.

How to prepare your car for a hurricane

I Have never felt more insignificant than I have this week. Nature is reminding us who is in charge as she rocks the East coast with an earthquake and a hurricane only a few days apart. Based on the current projected trajectory of Irene, I picked a really crappy time to be a resident of the South Shore of Long Island. As a native upstate NY’er, I have never had to worry about a hurricane, but now with the storm barreling down on us, we all should take some time to research how to prepare. A little bit of preparation can make a total disaster a lot better then it could have been, Even though she might not even hit us. But that’s a big gamble that I am going to make the safe bet on.

While your first priority needs to be the safety of you and your family, you need to think secondary about the safety and integrity of your house and automobile. In high winds with flying debris, possible storm swells, extreme rain and flooding, there are a lot of risks posed to automobiles. Below is some information I have collected on the topic that will be useful for anyone in the northeast:

• First and foremost, keep your gas tank full. Gas pumps can get knocked out of commission by flooding and power loss. Be ready.


• Know the height of your cars air intake. This is the weakest point for a car when it comes to flooding. The car will run in a foot or two of water, but once water gets sucked into the motor via the intake, the motor will seize and you will be SOL.


• It seems obvious, but try and garage your car. While it won’t help in extreme flooding or if a tree falls on your garage, it will help protect the finish from the debris.


• DON'T elevate your car on jacks or jackstands. Hurricane force winds have the ability to blow a car off this minimal support, causing extreme damage. the extra few inches isn't worth it.


• Be wary of you can see water - don't park near streams or lakes that will rise.


• You also might need to reinforce your garage door. Because they are wider and lighter, they are susceptible to high winds and can blow inward. A couple of 2x4’s on the weak points should do the trick.


• If you don’t have a garage, try and relocate your car to higher ground, and definitely away from trees, power lines, etc.  Google a Topographic map of your area to find highground.


• Secure all of your cars important paperwork to somewhere safe, not the glove box


• Keep an emergency kit in your car


• Flooding happens and deep puddles happen. Don’t drive through them.


• If you have multiple cars, try and get one to an elevated parking garage. They are solid structures that rarely flood on the upper levels


• If you need to park on a hill, face the front of the car upwards, and turns your wheels toward the curb.


• Make sure you have insurance coverage.


• Avoid downed power lines


• 4 wheel drive won’t help you unless you are climbing over objects. When selecting a vehicle for moving to a safer location, ground clearance should be the deciding factor.

It’s easy to brush off a storm like this and not be ready for it. Long Island hasn’t been hit by a major storm since Gloria in 85, which did a lot of damage. A little preparedness goes a long way.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="568" caption="Your car cannot go faster than this."][/caption]

 

How I’m going to save about $600 this year for my cars

Lets face it, gas isn’t getting cheaper. Tolls are going up. Its time to start cutting back somewhere.
This weekend, I did something I haven’t done since high school - I changed my own oil.

It was actually my local fast-lube place that inspired me to start doing this. While getting the car serviced, the guy has my hood up, and he can see that there is a lot of work done to this motor, and its obvious that this is a well cared for car. The guy then walks into the waiting room, and shows me my (clean) cabin air filter, and tells me I need to replace it. I just did these about 5K miles ago, and tell him to put it back. He then tries to convince me I need a transmission flush and new wipers. Yeah, I’m not going back there. I also skipped the “tips” bin on the way out.

Why go back to changing my own oil? Well, here’s what I figure: I started using synthetic in my car, and my wife’s uses regular. It’s not that I don’t care about my wife’s car, its that she drives a Honda four-banger and the thing could run on bacon grease if need be. My oil changes are about $60, and hers are about $35. Multiply this by a few times a year, and it starts to add up really fast. I change oil every 5000 miles, because I don’t buy into the every 3000 mile hype that lube places try to make you believe. So at a few times a year, that’s $400 for my car, and about $175 for my wife’s car. Why have I been spending this money?

So this weekend, I went down to Autozone, and picked up $80 worth of supplies, including jackstands, funnel, a Fram filter (the grip is nice), a 15 quart drain pan and a five liter jug of synthetic oil. Previously, the only thing stopping me from doing this myself is that I had no where to put the used oil. Used automotive oil is a huge threat to the environment, highly toxic, and there are heavy fines for disposing of it improperly. AutoZone now takes oil free of charge for recycling. I figure I’ll drop it off when I go in to get some wiper fluid or blades or something. So all things considered, now I’m negative 20 bucks, but the next time I do this, I’ll be ahead $40. And the savings grow every time after that.

The process is so much easier than I remember, just raise the car, drain, seal and put on new filter and refill. Took me about 40 minutes, most of which was just jacking the car up and waiting for the oil to drain. Seeing as how time spent driving and waiting at a lube place is about 30 minutes, this only cost me about 10 minutes in time.

What are the other benefits? Well for one, I know I am getting good parts, and not some recycled oil crap or inferior filters. The other thing is that I realize I’m doing a better job - after seeing how long it took the oil to drain, I don’t think its possible for the pan to completely drain out in the two minutes they have the plug off. That means this sludge has been sitting in my motor.

Now my car is happy and purring like a 300HP kitten.

Life in the Cash Lane

I made a discovery today that horrified me. As I pulled into the toll booth on the Throgs Neck, I was wondering why the gate hadn’t yet tripped- I looked up, and my heart sank.

 

I then remembered where my EZ Pass was:  Firmly affixed to the windshield in my wife’s CR-V.

 

See, I have been gone for the last two weeks, and my car has sat in the driveway collecting mounds of bird crap and rusty rotors. I was out west for business, and then we took the kid on vacation, and loaded up her car. She let her EZ Pass tag expire, so we used my tag and GPS for the trip.

 

But you know what the worst part about this is? It’s a Friday. I need to add at least an hour of time to my commute tonight to accommodate for all of the weekend travelers who clog the cash lanes on their way to their weekend destinations. Have you ever attempted the inbound GWB on a Friday for the cash lanes? This is going to be a nightmare. This is of course if I remember to actually go into the correct lane, as my lane choices are pretty much an ingrained force of habit at this point.

 

Today I think we all learned something. First, it’s that EZ Pass is worth it. There is always a fight if it should be mandatory for metro NY’ers, and the answer is a resounding YES. After seeing what life is like without it, including the waiting, the higher prices, and the sheer frustration, I’ll never forget it again. Additionally, a lot of time spent idling and polluting the environment could be cut back if it was mandated.  I also learned that the NJ turnpike still uses tickets. Who knew? They actually charge me to drive one hundred yards from the beginning of the Turnpike to my exit ramp.

 

So look for me today -  I’ll be the guy sitting in line with all the minivans in the cash lane, the black car with all the bird crap on it. But that’s another story.

 

[caption id="attachment_423" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Today at the NJ turnpike. Until this moment, It had been about 9 years since I have actually had to snag a toll ticket. Shooting a picture while moving and taking a ticket a the same time as piloting a car through a toll plaza is actually a lot harder than it looks."][/caption]