An interesting thing happened to me
yesterday. Its early in the morning, about 6:45 am, and I’m stuck in gridlock
on the Northern State Parkway. It’s the week after Labor Day, and traffic has
returned with a vengeance. In my
rearview I see an unmarked Crown Vic, and I think nothing of it. Obviously, 4
mph is well below the posted speed limit, so I go on about my business.
Traffic started moving again, by the time I
made it the Queens line, there is a marked NYPD unit about three cars back. I’m
taking it easy, so I pay no attention to that car. I merge with grace onto the Clearview, (because the Cross Island is for suckers) and accelerate
into the flow of traffic. Then there is another unmarked behind me, a blue
Crown Vic.
At this point I’m thinking to myself, “wow,
big police presence on the road today, they must be going after people texting
or something.”
A few miles pass, and then a Marked NYPD
Charger is on my ass. I mean to the point of giving me a V8 enema, this guy is
not backing off. But I’m doing the speed limit, so I’m more confused. Obviously,
this guy wants me to see him, and I see him in my rearview, on his radio,
running my tags.
We make it to the Throgs Neck bridge, and
he suddenly jumps two lanes and takes the ramp on the right to Willets Point
Blvd. when he backs off, I see another unmarked unit behind him. This one is a
blue Crown Vic, and he is staying about 3-4 cars back to my right.
Now I’m starting to sweat. I got a couple of
points from a previous run-in, and I do not need any more. Again, I’m not doing
anything wrong, so I am very confused, but the mere anticipation of getting
pulled over makes me anxious.
I am now going over the Throgs Neck. I make
a bee-line for the left lane to avoid the CIP marge, and the blue Crown Vic
does the same two cars back. This pattern continues all the way to the tolls. I
pick a lane, and go through the EZ Pass lane, ready to merge onto the Cross
Bronx.
BAM! Out of nowhere, a marked Impala NYPD
unit is on my ass with lights flashing. Seriously, I had no idea where this guy
could have possibly been. “He can’t really be pulling me over, can he?” I slide right a lane. He follows. Shit. I manage
to pull over, on the left side of the road closer to the 95 North split.
I get out my license and registration, and
wait. A jolly old NYPD patrolmen resembling Santa Claus with a Glock approaches
up to the car. His 9mm is holstered, but his hand is on it, which I assume is
typical protocol. My hands are where he can see them, and the exchange is respectful
and polite. He asked me for my license and registration and insurance. This is
odd. In all my years of getting pulled over in NY, I have never once been asked
for Insurance information. He asks me “is this your car?”
“yes, it is” I reply, cool as a cucumber as a slide off my sunglasses in my best David Carusoe. Not my best moment.
“Are you sure it’s your car?” he
asks again, and I nod. At this time, I did not realize the odd phrasing of this
question, or why he was asking. So I ask, “What seems to be the problem officer?”
I had to yell a little bit, because now there was a helicopter over us. Probably
nothing right?
Digressing for a moment, we all ask this
when stopped. You could be riding dirty at 80 MPH through a school zone with a
pina colada in one hand, yet still ask the question. You always know why you
are getting pulled over, but in this instance I was genuinely perplexed.
“Your
windows are tinted” he proclaims. “State law says there needs to be 70% light
transmission. Do you think this window
lets that much light in?” I don’t know why it took me a moment to answer. I guess
I got distracted when glint of light caught my eye, which vaguely resembled a
sniper on the overpass about 300 yards away.
“I don’t know.” But yeah, I actually knew. I purposely put on 20% tint the whole way
around, because having a sleeper with no tint is about as cool as Saved by the Bell: The College Years.
He said this is 17%, and proceeded to go
back to his car. He was in there a long time. Despite his being nice, and the
multiple stickers on windshield from various law-enforcement buddies, I still got an equipment ticket. My last car had
10% tint and I drove it for 5 years. This car has 20%, and I have been driving
it about 5 years. I have never been pulled over for a tint violation.
The ordeal is over. We exchange
pleasantries, and now I have to merge hard across six lanes of morning rush
hour traffic onto the Cross Bronx. I settle into the middle lane and begin to
ponder what just happened.
First of all, three units do not tail you for
an equipment violation. Therefore, I am now under the assumption that a car similar
to mine had been used in a crime, and they were checking me out. They needed to
pull me over. That’s fine, making the streets safer, etc. now I am also
realizing perhaps a murdered-out Maxima might be starting to be a little
ghetto. I’ll address that another time.
Cruising along, rocking out to come classic
A7x on the radio, and WTF THERE IS ANOTHER GOD DAMN UNMARKED UNIT BEHIND ME.
Remember that scene in that 90’s mafia
movie, I think it was Good Fellas,
where the guy looks outside his windows and he spots helicopters. Then the
chopper is following him all day, and he is paranoid. And eventually it
comes to pass that he was right and they totally were watching him? Well this
is exactly how I’m feeling right now.
Now here’s where things get really weird. The
NYPD unit pulls off about 1/8 mile from the GWB, and is immediately replaced; I
kid you not, with an grey unmarked Crown Victoria interceptor unit with Jersey
Tags. This is significant because this now means whatever these guys are
trailing me for goes beyond state lines. I don’t know if was a sheriff, Fed, or
Jersey trooper, but odd none the less.
I make it work without incident. Sure, some
odd things happen to me during the day; my webcam liked to turn on by itself, “The
CIA” asked me to friend them on Facebook, and there was some dude bird watching
all day outside my office window. So nothing out of the ordinary.
I start on my way home. I was a little late, because some new I.T. guy at my company wanted to look at my computer and phone. Nothing weird about that. I’m on the NJ
turnpike heading toward the GWB, and out of the corner of my eye, I spot one of
the new Ford Taurus unmarked units. These guys are stealthy. The only way to
really tell they are cops is by looking in the grill to spot the tell-tale
light array. I go Lower Level. He follows. I go CBX. He follows. He pulls ahead
of me and takes the Throgs Neck. I take the Clearview. He shadows me. Northern
state. Right behind me. Wantagh. This is getting creepy.
So now I’m sure that something is going down,
so I call my buddy in the NYPD and ask him what’s up. He runs my license, runs
my plate, and my information to look for possible APB’s. It take a while, but he tells me it all comes
back fine, and that I’m just being paranoid. That’s a relief. But then I also
realize maybe he actually can’t tell me what’s going on.
It still troubles me though that the
unmarked Taurus got off at my exit, and peeled off right before my street. I swung around that big, unassuming van parked on my curb, and pulled into my driveway, happy to be home.
So that’s my story. Hopefully this is where
it ends. However, for the CIA, FBI, RICO investigators readings this (and I know
you are….) Can you please do me a real favor and see who isn’t cleaning up
after their dog on my lawn? Much appreciated, XoXo.
