Lets get something straight: I know how to buy a new car.
It takes months of exhaustive
research, tests drives, bargaining, more research, and the unavoidable emotional
turmoil of falling in and out of love, as your heart is broken repeatedly whilst searching for the perfect auto to
complement a lifestyle in comfort and convenience.
My wife says, “I like that one” and picks a color.
Act I – the CR-V Conundrum
Recently, we came to the realization that my wife’s aging
2006 Honda CR-V was an inadequate size for a 4 year old, an infant, me and all
of our crap. Therefore, we decided to get something a bit bigger and newer.
Now don’t get me wrong, the CR-V treated us well. It was
roomy enough, safe, had AWD, and got the job done with minimal hassle. The only
issues it gave us was when the transfer case suffered some internal shearing and needed to be serviced (found a TSB ), and the awesome time when the
condenser drain hose clogged, and I literally had to cut out the entire
interior of the car to dry it. Fun times. My other complaints were that it had
the acceleration of a well-fed, beached basking shark. In addition, we never
did have a use for the picnic table that came in the back as a standard
feature.
So she liked her
Honda and we started looking at the Pilot. It looked nice, was a very popular
three row SUV, and got great reviews. It was indeed the logical choice. Me,
being the instinctual haggler said “OK, now that you know what we want, we have
to see what else is out there to make sure we get the best deal.” In retrospect,
that wasn't the best use of our time.
We debated a few
cars, including the new Dodge Durango, Jeep Cherokee, Suby Tribeca and Nissan Pathfinder. My attempt
to talk her into a bad-ass, used late model Tahoe flopped when she saw the 2 MPG
mileage on the monster V8. We even dabbled on a nice used Escalade for a
minute, but I shot that one down citing we weren't a livery cab service, nor a bored NJ housewife. We finally narrowed it down to leasing one of two cars,
either the Honda Pilot of the Toyota Highlander. Both have a sweet lease deal going
on, have a 3.5 L V6 option and third row seating, and were not minivans, our prime requisites. After a night of searching inventories online
and securing appointments, we scheduled a babysitter, and set off for the
harrowing day of buying a new car.
Our first stop
was the Toyota dealership down on Sunrise Highway. Let me get this out of the
way: for the most part, I really don’t like Toyotas. It is of my personal opinion that with the exception of a
few shining spots, (FR-S, 4-Runner) I view the majority of the line as lacking a soul whose only function is to create extremely reliable,
cost effective transportation. Sure, their designs have got much more inspired
in the last few years, they just aren't for me. if you want a no-frills transportation that will last forever, a Toyota is good for you.
But had I known what we were
about to endure in this dealership, we would have never waked through those
doors, directly into the vipers nest.
 |
| "I'll Swallow Your Soul"- Jan |
Lets talk about
Jan for a second. She is the super helpful, often quirky and lovable Toyota
spokesperson that works the reception desk in the Toyota TV ads. This is in no
way an accurate representation of the staff of a dealership.
First off, let
me ask this logical question: I’m dropping more than $30K on a new car. I hate to have my time
wasted and I hate to be BS’d. I make that pretty apparent in my words and body
language when I go into negotiations. So we meet the salesperson, and I am very
brief. We shake hands and make nice. I am going to refer to her as “Maria” from
here on out, because I honestly forgot her name. I like to think I project “please don’t BS me” non-verbally. Maria fails
to catch on to this. I tell her what we are looking for. Toyotas website is affering a
V6 model AWD highlander for a decent $249 month, 36K mile lease. It’s at this point
I realize that this is in no way an accurate advertisement, and is
actually bait to get you into the dealer. But I’m trapped.
So we go for a
test drive. My wife drives, and I take shotgun. Maria seems nice. She points
out all of the features. Airbags. Seatbelts, floor mats, steering wheel
controls. Apparently, she is under the impression that we expect every new car to come as well equipped as a cold-war era Yugo. I tell my
wife to "punch it", and the tach climbs past 4K, but the car lugs. “Is this theV 6?”
I ask. “Yes it is, it has a lot of power!,” squeals Maria with the delight of a
schoolgirl. I glance over at the sticker. It was a 4 banger. “It’s also got
VVT-i, which makes a lot of power!” I smile and nod, feigning approval.
 |
Newer Toyota Highlander
|
ACT II - "Let me go check with my manager"
So my wife likes
it. Then we go to the table. I say “We want that car. This trim, in this color,
this advertised price. I’m thinking to myself “Would Maria possibly walk away
from such an easy open and shut deal?” But of course she would.
What do you have available?” I ask. And then
it happens, the first major red flag that makes me want to walk. She takes out
a piece of paper and started to draw “The Box”. For those unfamiliar with the
box, it’s a tactic shady used car salesmen use to visualize a car purchase for
people with no common sense. Also known as the “Four Square System", It consists
of 4 quadrants. These quadrants are filled with features, total price, loan
terms and monthly payments. The focus is on the monthly payments to draw your
attention and make you think you got a good deal. But Maria has us right where
she wants us – we are sitting at the table, and she feels like she is about to
close a deal.
In the top of
the she she starts writing. At this point I’m getting angry and impatient, and
she writes sooooo sloooow. It’s like she is carving me a tablet with the terms.
I kid you not, she scratches out, “This car has power windows, A/C and power
door locks.” WHAT THE HELL. Its 2013, and these are standard features on a
toaster now a days. my time is being wasted, and I'm getting heated.
She then says
she is going to go check with her manager for inventory. (I really hate it when
they do this) A while later, she comes back and then informs us that the color we
want the car in is not available, nor is the trim level. How convenient. So she
says, “Here, I have something close.” And proceeds to shows us our second choice
color we want in a car with a few more options. It’s the demo model, so it’s
got a few thousand miles on it, and it looks like
they have a 14-year old Xzibit installing their accessories. It’s got DVD players,
a faux spoiler, it's Donked with spinners, and has an excess of those black plastic window
vent shades. Don’t get me wrong, I like Vent Shades, they are a nice, useful additions
to windows. However, the whole set is installed on this Highlander, including a
bug deflector, all windows, even one over the rear window. If the ozone layer
were to disappear tomorrow, and bathe the earth in scorching UV light, this
might be a sensible option. Seeing as how that is not happening, it looked
ridiculous.
So then Maria
says, “let me check with my manager on the price.”
Six hours pass, she comes back, and says "OK, you can lease
this one for $440 a month with $5k down". Right about now I am very confused. I just
walked in here looking for a $249 a month lease. How did she honestly think
nearly doubling the monthly payment on an option package I did not want, on a
demo model was a solid negotiation tactic? If she was a hostage negotiator and I was holding people against their will, I would have just burned down the compound on that one.
I say calmly, “no,
that’s way more than we are looking to spend. If you don’t have the color, feel
free to check your partners, and give us a call later on.” She says “let me go
check with my manager”.
3 hours and 30 minutes later, she comes back to us, and
this time the manager is in tow. Up front, this guy is Shady with a capitol “S”. He has a greasy mustache and speaks in some
sort of accent I can’t place. His suit is tan and off the rack, and I’m pretty
sure we just interrupted him from sending out blast emails posing as a prince, notifying
people they just won the Nigerian lottery.
He starts out by
saying, “Look, you will only have this car for three years, so why does the
color really matter?” to that I reply “because I’m paying for it.” he doesn't
like this answer one bit. The manager then realizes I am obviously a master negotiator,
and he raises the stakes. “400 dollars a month - this is what I pay for my cell phones for my
family.” This is an expert tactic on his end which is made to subconsciously apply
two things. First, he is trying to make this sound like an everyday purchase
like a cell phone plan, and also letting me know he has some devil spawn of his
own. Secondly, I think “wow, did you try these awesome negotiation tactics with
the guy at the cell phone store to get that awesome rate?” I didn't say that.
Then my next
move horrified everyone at the table; Gasps were gasped, eyes were widened and I
could see the scream caught in the back of Maria’s throat. I stood up from the
table. To me, this was over. The manager actually raised his voices
and told me to sit down, in a manner that tried to sound like pleading. Holy
crap, no that didn't just happen, but it did.
I said once
again, this time much more sternly, looking the manager right in the eye, “If
somehow you find the car we are looking for, feel free to give me a call. Thank
you for your time.”
The next part is a bit fuzzy due to my blinding
rage, but I’ll recount it to the best of my ability:
I grabbed my
wife’s hand and ran out. As we make a mad dash for the doors, we dodge a net
that falls from the ceiling. I also pulled out a sweet move from my high school
football days, and executed a rather impressive spin move/ stiff-arm to the
poor junior salesperson who tried to get in our way to stop us. I really do
hope his nose eventually heals.
The sunlight
momentarily blinds us as we reached the outside of the dealership. I look at my
watch, and realize two full days had actually passed in there while we were “waiting
for the manager.” I unlock the CR-V from a distance, and now our dash is more
like a sprint, as we run for our freedom. The dealership doors bust open behind
us, and the manager is actually chasing us out the door (not kidding). He is
yelling, “wait we can do 399 a month for this Highlander!!!” but it’s too
little and too late. We jump in the CR-V, and I hammer the gas pedal: we rip
out of the parking lot at what must have been 7 miles per hour.
I look over to
my beautiful wife, thankful we made it out the there alive. It’s really after a
dramatic situation like this, you realize what you have in life that you
take for granted. It’s unspoken but we
both know that a similar horror might face us at the Honda dealership that is
our next stop.
Act III – Showdown at HondaTown
We drive to
Levittown and the Honda Dealership on Rt. 24. We walk in and are greeted by
Steve the salesperson. I say bluntly. “We want a Pilot, we want this advertised
price, what can we do?” He gets it. He takes us out to the lot to see what he
has, and then we come in and sit down. He asks us what deal we are referring. I
show him on my phone. He says “O.K. ” and asks us what color we want. He says, “I’ll
be right back”.
…And two minutes
later, he was back. He said “this just came in” and held up the documentation
for a brand new Pilot in the color she wanted.
I’m really
confused right now. He hasn't gone to see his manager once. Instead, he comes
over with a few papers, asks us to look them over and sign. He tells us what
the down payment and all the costs are. Then he says, OK, “I’ll call you later today
when you can come and pick it up.“
I’m dumbfounded.
How can two car dealerships have such drastically different tactics? We were
probably in there for 30 minutes, and another 30 minutes when we picked up a
nicely detailed car. He even straightened out my wife’s tags, which were
mangled in a rear end collision. After he showed us how to work the Bluetooth
and a quick overview, we were off.
The whole experience
was so pleasant, I even dabbled with the thought of leasing a 2013 V6 Accord
for a moment. But only for a moment.
 |
| The Pilot which makes my wife happy. Photographed hanging out of our driveway that it doesn't fit in. |
Epilogue
Its now been two
moths with the Pilot, and the wife loves it. We have taken a few road trips
with it, and its comfortable and smooth. Thanks to the V6 it has adequate
acceleration, and handles surprisingly
well for such a big truck. It has mass amounts of room for the kids and all our
junk, and the gas mileage is decent. It also came nicely equipped with standard
features such as Bluetooth and a backup camera. And yes, it came with power
windows and A/C.
